Yep, so now I'm a year older. Not that much of a difference from last year, other than I'm seeing someone (I guess?). I came up with a clever way of getting my first kiss. Yes, sad how I'm 18 and didn't have one yet. He was surprised, fuck I was too.
It was really nice, we went up to some hill in Burnaby and I brought out this mistletoe looking thing and was like... yeahh... please know where I'm going with this. Let me tell you, he knew. I was soooooooo nervous all day because I knew I'd chicken out of it. But a person told me the other day to just go for it. Plus I know he likes me so there's no chance of rejection. If there was, holy fuck is he a tease. But yeah he FRENCHED me, like fuck. If you know I haven't kissed a guy before, then don't french me!!! After I said, whoa shit, he tried again and I said "No, it's okay". Gah and then EEEEEEEK, it was good afterwards. He said I looked nice and I came back with you don't look too shabby yourself. My God, could I have said something more constructive than that? In my head I was like "Damn he's hott, what the hell is he doing with me?" Still have no idea what the fuck we are. I don't know if that bugs me or not. Like we're allowed to check out other people... but I ALWAYS do it. But hey, we're not together, but I still don't feel that it's right. He can figure out his shit and I'll figure out mine. I have no idea what's gonna happen on the 29th, I met some of his friends last night... I guess age is a huge difference... what they talked about was so... "I can't believe I'm hearing this" kind of thing. I was sooo glad Sam was there, or I probably would have gone to the washroom and not come back out until they were all gone. Yep, so now I'm like whatever and get sudden shivers.
Mmmmm... I love looking at hott guys and not feeling guilty because I'm single. The other day a really hott fisherman came in... boy did I "eye-rape" him. Right now is good. I think? I'm turning 18 in 10 days. It's just weird... I think I might want to be an archeologist and study in Egypt, rather than study numbers. It's a lot more interesting and easier to remember than learning how to do an income statement and figure out why the credits don't equal to the debits. Not my thing. Thank goodness I took this course. If my instructor is teaching history 12 next semester, that's what I will be taking. Better to pay $20 than pay $430.
I'm tired.
Dear Boyfriend,
Let's jet off to the next flight to Paris. I have some things in mind already of what we could do. We could roam the streets in the night, so it's just you and me. You could buy me flowers and give them to me, so I can appreciate what we have, even picking them off the ground would just do fine. We don't even have to go to Paris, just being with you would be more than enough.
I could probably be yours forever if you wanted to, but I don't know why you would, right now seems good as it is. If you ever hurt me, I'd probably forgive you because I just will, but the trust may be iffy with us. But you'll gain it back easily by blasting Jack's Mannequin's "The Mixed Tape" from your sound system outside of my house with a rose in hand.
If I tell you to fuck off, that means to never leave. If I say "Call if you want to." You better call. Mmmkay pumpkin? =] If I don't want to eat, it's because I don't want you to see how much of a pig that I am. Well actually I don't care... just aslong as you pay!!!
I think paying for stuff should be split in half, but if someone wants to treat, then let it go. Let's not be so "ma fan" about it.
<3
Man, I really need a life.
It's almost been a year later and I still miss Paul; I genuinely do. He gave me this really sensa
Great, I found songs the day when we first got together. Wee for Brandy and Dream. Anyways, my friend invited me out to go clubbing, since I'm underaged and I don't have a fake-id it might be harder to get in!!! I hope she can get me in. I need to go clubbing at least once!
Dammit, I think I'm sick again... or I have food poisoning. I threw up earlier... but I didn't throw up enough because I still feel sick. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! =( Ugh, I keep coming back to this blog, now I feel better after hurling!!! =)
I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm lonley, but not that lonley. Understood?
Anyways, I finally found the version of "Last Christmas" by Busted, which they performed on TOTP (Top of the Pops) when they were still together in 2003. I love Christmas because that means my birthday is coming up. I'm turning 18 this year, with no boyfriend. Weeee. Just other day I was so happy to be single after the date I had on the weekend. He asked me out again today, since I blocked him online for a couple of days. I told him that I wanted to be friends. If he called that would have been a different story. I may even have said yes. We'll never know now. But this relationship would have been too easy. When things are easy, I assume something will go wrong, so I get out.
Yesterday, night school was let out early since there was no admin, so we left at 9 pm rather than 10 pm. I asked one of my friends to give me a ride home. This guy, I don't know how he puts up with me. I'm so mean to him sometimes, yet he still says hi and stuff. In fact, he was unsatisfied with the way I greeted him. I was on the phone and I saw him, so I gave him a quick wave. After I got off the phone:
Him: That's all I get? A wave?!
Me: Uhhh yeah.
Him: At least give me something, to make me feel a little special.
Me: Did you want me to say "Hello, how are you?"
Him: Yeah.
Me: =\
He gets upset if I'm on my I-Pod during break; he wants to talk to me. My defense is that he's on the phone. So when I tell him that he gets off the phone. Does he like me? I think I like him because those 3 classes he wasn't there (Classes are only on Monday and Wednesday) I missed him, it was really weird. It was like the poem we read in English class where the girl did not realize she like the guy until he was not in school. I don't know what to do. Seriously, I don't. He said if I texted him, he'd call me. Why is this blog all about me and guys?
A friend of mine, who I haven't talked to since the end of grade 9 found me through Facebook. That thing is really awesome, since her and I use to get along so well. She's changed so much!!! But that's expected. I however am some prissy bitch. I feel awful still and feel like I have no friends. A former friend said it bugged him that I never looked at the big picture or a different perspective when someone tells me something. I fucking know that, I wish I could change that, but I can't. You have no idea how hard I've tried before.
Fuck, I'm 125 lbs now. I'm such a big pile of lard. I'm only like 5'3 or 5'4. I want to exercise, but I'm otherise to dirty or it's too late in the day for exercise to benefit me. I should go to bed now and be up early. I guess no Saved By the Bell at 3:30 am!!! =(
I abandon Xanga for "real" entries and seek refuge here at VOX. I really fucked up this time; my way of dealing with people have fucked me up. I feel so relieved and embarrassed, if that can be true. Everything is out in the opened... with that being said I've lost a friend (not a big deal) and another friendship has been jeopardized by it (is a big deal).
Question is do people really think:
- I only do things because if I don't I'll be screwed over if I don't.
- I don't look out for others because I know no one else will look out for me
- If others fuck me up, I'll do the same to them.
My belief is that I will always be "screwed over" by whatever I do. I just try to choose the one that will screw me over the least, but I always get screwed over.
At the end of the day you only have yourself, so you have to look out for yourself. I thought all along I showed the "caring" side of myself, but apparently it's not enough. Bending over backwards for people to accept me is not enough. Lending money, giving rides, scanning notes, etc, is not enough. Then what is enough? What is enough for someone to genuinely say that I care. Even looking it up in Google did not help as only links about "Just caring about #1" and not showing compassion. I guess it's a life skill that I have to learn now. This is one of those things that will be "Now or Never".
I'm in the cycle of karma and I got fucked over again. The good is never going to come to me, so I will bring people down with me. It's how I am. How the hell do you stop it? Do I just stop communicating with everyone, do nothing for them and expect nothing back?
But I do want to change. I just don't know how to care. I've always thought most of my friends would have been gone by now because when I was younger, I changed friends so much so nothing was ever stable. Maybe that's why I don't care cause I think they'll be gone. But my best-friend, we've been bestfriend's since grade 7 and it's been what? 5-6 years later? And she's still there. I betrayed her and she's still there. She really cares and I can't accept it. I want to, but I always second guess. I shouldn't second guess, so I will accept that she does care. I trust her, even though she may not trust me. This shouldn't be the way it it, but it is.
I couldn't even look in the mirror this morning because I really hate myself right now. I guess this will be a journal of my progress or just anything that I don't want a lot of people to read.
