I should be studying for my linguistics final, but at this point, its review ... I know the basic concepts, but the little definitions are really difficult to memorize at this point. Its not even a late exam either, it's at 8:30 am!!! =(
Last night was fun, I went over to my friend's house to bake cheesecake cupcakes which turned out very well! We ordered take out from a sushi place nearby. I really need to work on my parking skills because I suck and I want my Class 5 soon!!!
I also hung out with my boyfriend too, he sounded fine when he called me to make plans to go have coffee, but when he got to my friend's house he sounded so dead. I felt so bad for asking him to come out and I wished that he would've just said no. I say no to him all the time and I don't feel like I'm disappointing anyone because I know that I will see him later. That reassurance that he will be there later, keeps me from always asking him to hang out every single day. Of course that's also because we're both occupied in our lives, whether its school or work. We ended up going to Tim Horton's and we never had coffee ... ever. So it was really weird for me to ask him if he wanted to go do that. We then went to Queen E. to talk and at one point it felt like my original self came back into my body? Like, I guess my soul (?) decided to take a vacation for a year and come back. I felt so weird and I had to say "We shouldn't be doing this", I didn't have the guts to tell him what was going on because I couldn't even process it myself until after I got home. Is it like a sign that I shouldn't be with him??? Like every time I listen to the Spice Girls', Mama, it makes me cry because my mom is doing all of this out of love, but I can't listen to her. I'm already in too deep with him. She was right from the start (before him and I dated) saying that him and I would date and fall in love. UGH. Reading back in my diary it was fun during our break? We'd just have dinner and talk, it was fun. Now it's like that, but so much more. If I lost him now, it'll feel like I'd missing a part of myself. It sucks, how I think that if I was single, I'd be able to study a lot more, but I can't because I'm entangled in hang outs, phone calls, text messages and e-mails. I know if I tell him that I can't talk to him because I'm studying, I'll just miss him. I miss him right now cause we had a really short phone call and it's not the regular 30 - 60 minute phone conversation.
When it's all over, who am I supposed to talk to? Who am I supposed to use to replace him in MY5? Will it go back to just not using my phone at all and turn all giddy when someone finally calls me to ask for someone else's number? Will I think of him all the time, wishing that I was with him and that he'd call me? Wishing that everything was the way things were, where I'd be able to fall asleep in his arms and feel safe? Where does it end because I hate thinking about it and I don't like the idea of another girl taking MY place. I want him to be driving me home in the middle of the night, not some other chick.
Why did I let myself fall so hard for him?
The last week has been so unimaginable with the events that happened. I've always said that nothing bad happens to me and my luck has run out.
Semester is pretty much over!!! 3 exams and then it's my birthday!!! YAYAYAYAYAY.
I feel so miserable right now and it's not fun. My attitude really sucks
It was our 6 month anniversary which was awesome. He put together a photo album and put pictures from the time we met until now, including our day trip to Seattle a couple a weeks ago. It made my gift look crappy, but he said he'd loved it. I love the photo album a lot and I loved the little message that he put in the front of it.
Man school, is soooooooooo boring. I'm making friends, but I dunno. History 106 is a little difficult because there aren't notes posted on WebCT or anything, so notes have to be taken quickly....
I dunno what else to say.
It's been a while since I've blogged here. I finished my first semester up at SFU, boy was that brutal. I'm so glad that I'm on my 3 week break before it starts all over again. I went to SFU to pick up my last set of books today, so that's one less thing to do when I get back from Alaska. At least next semester my classes start late, so I don't have to wake up at 6:30 am !!! =D
Things are going well with the boyfriend, even though I didn't talk to him tonight (Well, 10 minutes doesn't do much). I didn't mind too much because I saw him this morning and he had a long day at work. I dunno though, it just feel things are just a routine with us now. It's been 5 months, things are good, but it's getting boring. I fell in love with him, which I never thought was possible. Going into this relationship I was very strong about not falling in love with him because I knew we wouldn't get married. I know he's not THE one for me and I told him things would be a lot easier if he told me that I'm not the one, he didn't. I wish he would because we're not getting married. However, he is perfect marriage material, he's amazing in every way and I'm happy when I'm with him. So, his future wife is in very good hands. I just need to find a guy who's just like him and I won't have to face being unhappy for the rest of my life. I can't tell him that though because it'll just hurt him.
I'm going to do more laundry and write my list of things to bring on my trip!
Okay, this is basically for my only commenter. Yes, this is the guy that I had my first kiss with. We got back together ... well it was more like him asking me out and I said yes. And it went on from there ... It's been about little more than 2 months since he did. I'm really happy with the guy and I'm glad he came home safely from the airport. I actually went to YVR to surprise him. It was really awesome, he gave me this hug of "I haven't seen you in forever" which felt pretty damn good, but it was just unexpected.
I'm at school right now ... just another hour and a half until my last class of the week starts!!! =]
It's been about almost 2 months since him and I got back together ... and I don't know if I trust him. I know I can trust him in the future, but I don't right now. Is that bad? I tell him everything that is on my mind and he's great ... I guess I do trust him, but I just don't recognize it as trust. He's away for another week and I think I miss him... yes I think I miss him. I've never been in a situation where someone I care about goes away for longer than a week, so I don't know what "miss" is. Of course there's the "miss" as in when the person you care about is physically right there, but you don't talk to them anymore. That's the worst kind of "miss" in my opinion. If you can do something about it, do it? Easier said than done ... I think about him a lot ... I miss his voice and seeing him ... even though we just see each other once a week ... I miss him. I just want to lay next to him and just feel something without physically touching each other. Those are the best moments, when you're just with each other and you don't have to say or do anything and you just know? You know? haha Oh man, it is going to suck when we break up again and this time I don't know. As he says "We'll cross that bridge when we get there." I really don't want to cross that bridge anytime soon. I can't afford to mess up at SFU.
Today was orientation for SFU. I finally got my U-Pass!!! =] Classes start on Monday right at 8:30 am sharp!!! Gah, I'm scared.
It's been a while since I blogged ... a lot has happened.
I got into SFU!!! All that hard work paid off and now I'm heading off to university. I've registered for all my classes and all I have to do is pay for tuition. Yes, I have to pay for my own tuition; originally I didn't have to, but then something happened.
This is what happened; him and I are back together... sorta. We're still in the "We don't know what we are" again. I don't know how I feel about that, I don't think about it that much because I don't want to push anything.
I think a month of happiness is what I'm allowed to have and I get to have about a year's worth of anger/sadness. And the one person who can probably help me, is the one causing this pain. I don't know if it was a mistake to tell him that I never want to talk to him again. I keep checking my phone and inbox at work for something from him, but then I remember what I said and there's nothing there. I want to be his friend, I want to, to be the better person, but I just can't.
I know I did the right thing, I know I did. At that moment in time, it was the right thing to do. I just have to stick to it, it'll be okay. Everyone is telling me it'll be okay. I just have to go through more assholes and then there'll be the guy for me. It's good to go through all of this now rather than later. It's good to feel pain now, rather than later. It's good... it's not fucking good.
I was gonna get a friend to dye my hair for me today, but I'm too tired from crying. What's the point of doing anything? What's the point of getting my eyebrows done if no one is going to look? I feel so fucking ugly right now.
I just have to take this one day at a time... I'll be okay... I have to be.. I'll get through this.
