37 posts from 2008

I should really stop napping all day because it's screwing up my sleeping schedule.  I wish my mom was up so we could bake cookies and I can spend the morning going to the doctors.  I also wish that it would stop snowing.  I've been stuck inside with a stuffy nose for the last few days.  Tres sucky non? 

Let's see if I can stay up ALL day!!!  I've tried to clean up my room ... there's so much shit in here ...  I think it's time to find clothes to give away since I'm running out of room in my closet.  There are a lot of clothes from grade 10 that I don't think I'll ever wear again so it's a good time to give them away. 

There's no one to talk to this early in the morning.  I don't think Paolo is up yet (?)  I dunno ... I had to e-mail him several times because text messaging him would wake him up.  Booo, I'm so bored.... I really hope Paolo doesn't come out here after work ... for some reason it's important for him to deliver a card and a bottle of wine to my mom.  =S  I still haven't thought of anything that I want Paolo to get me.  I'll probably just ask to spend time with him or something.  I don't see him enough as it is, compared to other couples.  It seems like I spend more time missing him than spending time with him. 

I've been patient, waiting for Paolo to finish his class this semester so we can hang out.  Now there's the issue of the snow.  Seriously snow, you have to fuck up the only time I have right now to hang out with him? SERIOUSLY?!  I miss him so much that's it's unfair.  I'm going to be so upset if I won't be able to see him on boxing day.  I hate snow, I want it to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 

My birthday dinner went really well, minus a few guests.  It snowed a lot during the dinner, so I was worried about everyone getting home.  I'm glad everyone got home safely.  Paolo surprised me by taking us to the Fairmont for the night.  I'm really lucky to have him as a boyfriend even though he does make inappropriate faces in pictures sometimes.  I couldn't sleep all night though, during the Office I felt tired but when it came to turning off the lights, Paolo was the only one sleeping.  I didn't get any sleep until 5:30 am after taking Benedryl.

The morning after, we had to be close to the hotel since they lost the cake that we checked in.  So after having some McDs, we went into Tiffanys!!! =D  I saw the ring that I wanted!! It's so sparkly!!!  The Tiffany setting with this huge diamond was $41K!!! Good thing I think the diamond is too big for my hand.  I tried to ask Paolo which one he bought for me before, but he wasn't sure ...  

I never thought I'd wear a ring, but since my mom got me the half-eternity ring for my birthday it feels weird not wearing it.  So if I ever get engaged, I know I won't take it off and lose it!!

I'm turning 20 in about 2 days, which is a little weird.  I remember getting upset when I turned 15 because I was half-way to being 30.  Now I'm half-way to being 40!!! O_O

I hope my dinner goes well on Saturday, I'm going to be royally pissed off if people don't show up if they have already RSVP'd to my event.  RAWR. If it ends up like my 18th birthday, I give up on people.  Not only does it show that people don't care about me, but it embarrasses me in front of Cardero's.  I LOVED Water St. Cafe, but haven't been back since my 18th birthday because 1/2 of the party bailed out.  I love Cardero's and I plan to go back. 

I don't know what I'm wearing to my dinner either ... I guess the dress that my mom got me from Paris with tights will do.  I don't want to celebrate my birthday ... it just seems like I'm saying goodbye to my youth and everything has to be so serious from this point on.  I have to finish my schooling, get a job, get married, have kids, raise them to be good people, retire and then die.  Sounds like a plan! ;)

Lately, I've been feeling lonely, it seems to be a re-occurring feeling that I've been having for the last little while.   I feel that if I tell Paolo, "I feel alone" he's going to give me this look that I'm out of my mind.  So I'll bottle it up inside and pretend everything is A-Okay! =)  At least this time I don't feel like cutting myself!  *thumbs up*

Onto better news, I got 90% on my criminology final!!! YAY!!!  I stayed up until 2:30 am the night before studying, so it was well worth it.  I was suppose to be done my finals, but because of snow, SFU canceled Fridays finals... so I have my last final tomorrow from 7 - 10 pm!!! It's soooooooo late.  Afterwards I'm going over to my best friend's place to have cake!!! MMMMMMMM!  I haven't gotten back my calculus mark back yet... and I wrote that exam 11 days ago.  I got a B+ in calculus!!! That's more than I expected in that class, I thought I'd get a B- at the most with this class!!! WOOT WOOT

That's it!

Today was the first day that I've gone outside since Monday.  I've been couped up in the house studying for my calculus exam and I'm so glad that I'm done with math forever! Wait, does stats count as math?? If it is, then no more calculus for me! =D

Hung out with Sam afterwards.  I haven't seen her in WEEKS and I didn't realize how much I've missed her.  I liked the days when her and I would just hang out.  Those were the best. =)

Paolo is away in Whistler [again] and is staying at The Sundial [again].  As much as I wish we were there, that'd mean I've have to go through 4 midterms, 2 papers and 3 exams.  So right now I'm looking forward to Sunday.  I haven't seen him since Monday, even though I ran into him today as I was leaving school.  When I said "ran into", I mean I called him to say I was done and he was at the bank.  Stuff like that NEVER happens!! I guess when you're in Surrey anything can happen. ;)  I miss him!!!  I have to study all weekend!!! ='(

I'm turning 20 soon yikes!!!  Remember this entry?  Man, if he proposed, I would say yes, but I'm too young.  I should use this divorce widget thing I found on Weddingbee.  Apparently being married after 25 decreases your chance of getting a divorce.

I think a little background is in order for this story:

Back in grade 10, there was a boy named Brian; he liked me and I liked him.  We talked a lot and had some classes together, he'd walk me to the car and walk with me when my mom was late picking me up.  The summer of grade 10, we both took Chemistry 12 together, I decided to take the plunge and tell Brian that I liked him.  Of course being in high school, I asked his best friend if he liked me so I wouldn't be rejected if I told him that I liked him.  When his best friend told me that he did like me, it was a green light from there.  Things didn't go that well because I simply wasn't ready, so I basically told him that I didn't want to "go out" with him even though it was less than 3 days since we were ... and we didn't even go out (I mentioned I was in high school right?)  So that was July 2005 ... fast forward to April 2006 when a turmoil of events lead me to talking to him again.  During those 8 months, I never spoke to him, but I did think about him all the time.  It was right before prom before I started talking to him ... things seemed to be okay ... until I started to avoid him.  So, basically nothing of substance happened besides holding hands once and a hug.

Okay lets fast forward again to November 2008 (this past weekend)  I saw Brian for the first time in 2 years and we talked.  I wish he didn't talk to me ... it just made things worse.  I'll be honest; I've been thinking about him when I'm with/without Paolo.  Every time I do, I feel so guilty.  Before it wasn't so bad because I figured these thoughts would go away ... I was wrong.  These feelings got stronger (--> worse) when he talked to me after he got off work.  What made it worse was when he stared at me.  I don't know how to describe the stare, but it threw me off.  I felt guilty for talking to him and feeling something for him.  Paolo showed up (I was studying at BCIT) to pick me up and they met.  I felt guilty ... I just felt so bad.  For the next 24 hours, I felt guilty for thinking about Brian and thinking would could've/could happen.  Did I mention that I felt guilty?  It felt like I was mentally cheating on Paolo and that I was a horrible person for thinking about another guy while I'm with Paolo.  I want Paolo to be the only one that I think about.  I don't want Brian to be this guy that I go to after Paolo ... because Paolo is the one.

So today was the 2 year anniversary of the first day that Paolo and I met.  We didn't do a whole lot because he was studying at BCIT at 2 pm.  All I did was sleep over at his house and we had lunch.  If I had known he was studying at BCIT, I wouldn't have suggested doing anything today.  It also didn't help that Kintaro wasn't opened (where we met) on Monday ... Umm back to the point ... After crying about feeling guilty about who I've been thinking about Paolo clued in and asked me when he heard me sniffling.  I didn't want to talk about it (as always) and Paolo wanted to (as always).  After telling him he said it was normal for me to be thinking like this.  I still didn't think so ... I said more things ... even though he told me before if I did something like I was telling him, we'd be in a longggggggggggggggggggg fight.  Things turned out to be okay ...

Sometimes I feel that I am too honest with Paolo ... like the things I say to him shouldn't be said to him, but I say them to him anyway because I feel that I should be a 100% honest with him.  *shrug*

I can't believe someone that I know knew has passed away.  She just turned 20 and she's no longer here.  When I first heard about it, I was in shock.  How could someone that I went to school with not be here anymore?  Everyone is supposed to live a full and long life.  It's upsetting to know that she's no longer here, but I hope she's living a more peaceful life up there.  

Sometimes when I don't get a text back, I feel like text messaging "ARE YOU IGNORING ME?", but I realize that he must be busy.  It's been about 2 hours since he text messaged back.

Blah, I like him.

I'm going back to school in less than a week and I'm kinda excited to go back.  Scanning photos almost everyday for the past 4 months have made me appreciate school.  That humming of the scanner scanning will forever haunt me.

I called my math tutor, which I've been putting aside because I'm scared to call him.  I don't know why ... I always had my mom arrange all of this for me when I was in high school and now I do it.  He's tutored me through grade 10, 11, 12 and MATH 100 in university ... now it's going to be MATH 157.  So that's about 5 years worth of being tutored... I'm glad that he didn't ask me to go to church.  I don't really have a religion, but I don't exactly consider myself athiest.  Like, I do believe in God, but I don't go to church. 

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, I get mad at him for something that he did last year.  I still can't let it go, I don't say anything to him because he's already paid his dues (sp?).  So it's an internal struggle with myself to forget about it.  It's just every single time I think about how they kissed, how she was on his bed and how he kissed her so hard that it made her piericing fall off just makes me sick. 

Here's what's happened in the last little while:

• Had to get a new phone because I spilled watermelon juice on my old Sony Ericsson. =(
• Joined Curves to help me lose 25 lbs
• Went to the PNE over the weekend
• Went to a dinner cruise which wasn't that great

Last night, I went to Cardero's with Paolo, his friend and his date.  The lobster that I ordered was huge and I thought it would just be the lobster tail.  I should've ordered the rib eye like his friend did, it tasted so good!!! I ended up going home early because Paolo wasn't feeling well.  We both thought it was the alcohol, but it turned out that it was from a bad oyster.  I've never experienced a bad oyster and hopefully it stays that way.  I ended up going to sleep before 10:30 pm, which is the earliest that I've gone to bed so far this year.  I got about 9 hours of sleep which is the most amount of sleep that I've gotten since I came back from my cruise.

School's starting again in a few weeks ... such a bummer.  I'm taking 4 courses next semester, which is more than I usually take.  I take 3 courses per semester, but 2 of my courses are supposed to be easy.  I just have to worry about this calculus class and my criminology class. 

I'm tireddddddddddddddd.